“You can learn a lot about people by getting between the sheets. Are they kind? Do they listen? Do they have a sense of humor?”
What? Is this what we're doing?
Yesterday I received an unsolicited copy of Glamour Magazine in the mail, so I decided to flip through and get some fashion tips for spring. I got so much more than fashion tips! Glamour decided I needed an update on how singles are using this “sex interview.”
So apparently, according to the 5500 singles that were polled, 48% are “swiping right” on tinder and having sex BEFORE the first date. This is seen as an “interview” to qualify them for actual dating. I am pretty sure many guys I have known over the years would say this is a dream scenario. Forget cheap date; this is FREE sex. They don’t have to have any social skills or even buy you a drink! As long as the profile pic is cute enough for you to swipe right, they’re in! Literally!
What this article did not do was follow up with how everyone felt afterward. Correct me if I am missing something, but this is how I picture it: You are feeling lonely, so you start scrolling Tinder on a Sunday night. (Sunday night is the peak night for the app.) You see a cute guy, he swipes right on you as well, he invites you over for an “interview,” and you head home a few hours later. This used to be known as “the walk of shame.” What did we learn here? The article states you will learn if he was kind, a good listener, and if he has a sense of humor, but I don’t see that. Reading all of it made me incredibly sad!
If this is you, I’d like to clarify you aren’t getting any judgment from me at all! I come to you as someone who made the mistake of thinking that the only way to fill what was missing in my life and the loneliness I was feeling was to find a man to meet those needs. If you’re really honest with yourself, do you even enjoy it, or are you left feeling shame, guilt and even more alone?
If you have read my blog before, you probably know that when I met Richard he had decided that after doing life his way, that he was surrendering everything to God and doing things God’s way. He was no longer having sex outside of marriage. This seemed so sweet at first. He would tell me, “isn’t this what girls want, to be respected?” It was my girlfriends who were saying to me, “he is just not into you” or “you are wasting your time.”
It seems we have come to a place where we want to skip the hard stuff. Instead of having a relationship that leads to marriage and sex, we want to have sex and hope it leads to a relationship. Eventually you must do the work or it won’t last. God gave us guidelines for a reason; they work.
Loneliness is something missing on the inside. It can be codependency looking for something to be dependent on. I had a counselor tell me that when someone texts me “Good morning Beautiful,” that it was actually “codependent crack.” It gave me a little boost in the moment that lead to more anxiety and greater loneliness.
Anything worth having is worth waiting for. A man who chooses to practice self-control in dating is more likely to be faithful in his marriage. He will get to know the real you, inside and out (a little scary, I know.) It will take vulnerability. To be that brave you must believe that you are worthy of love and belonging. God believes you are!
He said you are “Wonderfully made,“ in Psalm 139.
He says He has a “Plan and purpose for your life,” in Jeremiah 29:11.
So have faith that God made you perfectly, just the way you are. You are seen, you are known and you are truly loved by the God of the universe. I promise that when you stay focused on Jesus, and wait on His plan, He will do exceedingly abundantly more than you could ever ask or imagine, (Ephesians 3:20) without having to “swipe right.”
You are worth it.
If this post touched a nerve or sparked a need to chat with a non-judgmental, listening coach who cares, message me for a one-on-one session.