Say What You Want To Say

 

God often uses music in our lives to speak to us, to remind us, or to create emotion. A few days ago I heard a song by Sara Bareilles called “Brave.” Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do When they settle ‘neath your skin. Kept on the inside and no sunlight sometimes a shadow wins, but I wonder what would happen if you Say what you wanna say”. These lyrics really took me back. During my twelve year marriage I spent a lot of time trying to prevent what I knew would come. My husband would call and say he was on his way home and I would hop into action looking for things that might set him off. Are there any toys left in the yard, dishes in the sink, anything out of the ordinary. There didn’t necessarily need a catalyst, but I always tried. Then it would happen, one of the boys bikes were in the drive way so he had to get out and move it to pull in, and here we go. The hardest times were when the boys went to bed. I spent many sleepless nights on my bed half behind a pillow waiting for the word to stop. I think I was trying to hide the feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness I was feeling. “I can’t believe you___, you always___, your___, when are you___.” I knew if I so much as said “That’s not true.” It would only escalate and prolong what would likely go on for hours already. The next day, exhausted, we would both pretend in front of the kids and others that it didn’t happen, but kids always know. I did not grow up in church, but one night I attended a prayer evening that I had been invited to. A woman there spoke of Jesus walking on water and how if we focus on Him we can do anything. At least that is what I heard. From that point on I could not get enough of learning about God and His love for us. How we are made perfectly in His image and how much He loves us right as we are. He loves me? How could He? The more I learned the more my eyes were open to what was happening in my home and the more courage I gained. I only made a decision to get out of my situation through Gods strength; I had lost hope in my own. “What we cover God will uncover and cover with His grace.” God had shone His light on what was happening in the dark and I am forever grateful. I want to encourage you to be brave, to find your own voice. Divorce is not always the solution, but getting the help you need is. Verbal and emotional abuse IS abuse. “Show me how big your Brave is!” “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalms 139:14